Struggling
by Hope Eien no
Summary: Set before skins series 1. Maxxie is struggling with his life and his sexuality, he is too scared to tell his friends the truth so writes his thoughts down in a diary. From Maxxies POV. Contains strong language and adult themes, suited to those aged 16 and over. New chapter now up
1. Entries 1-4

_**This chapter includes the first 4 entries into Maxxies Diary. This chapter is set well before the series opener of skins and I have no idea of the back stories of the characters before that point so alot of what is written will not tie-in with the actual plot. This diary is being kept at the point where Maxxie starts to have difficulties with his sexuality and other aspects of his life, this is my first time doing a diary/POV fic so sorry if i'm not very good. Hope you enjoy it! P.S. This will be updated with more entries regularly ^_^ Oh and reviews would mean alot to me, thank you :)**_

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_**First Entry**_

It's my first ever time writing in this diary. I've had it for ages but I never really thought of using it. Tony reckons it's good for us to write what we think down, that way all our thoughts don't get clogged up in our head, he says it's healthy to have a diary but i'm not sure, it feels really girly. I don't even know what to write in here. I know I am supposed to write down all of my innermost feelings and emotions but it just feels weird. Ah fuck this i'm gonna go get some toast.

_**Second Entry**_

So Tony has pushed me to use this thing again, I didn't really know what to do the first time. I still don't, but I don't know what it is about Tony, he just has this way of making you do things, even things you don't want to do or know you shouldn't do. I don't know whether to admire or fear him for it. Maybe that's how he gets so many girls to sleep with him; he just makes them want to do it, regardless of whether they find him attractive or not. I wish I could do that, I don't seem to have any luck with girls, not that I ever try, I mean I've had relationships before but never got as far as sex. It's just never felt right with any of the girls. I don't know why, it just hasn't.

_**Third Entry**_

I feel like I am starting to get the hang of this whole writing diary entries thing now, might start doing it more often. So I spent the day with Cassie today, I had such a good time; she's such a fucking amazing girl. Me and her have been getting closer recently; we're becoming really good friends, but I think she wants more. She is amazing and beautiful and I could see myself in a relationship with her but … I don't know, maybe I'm just being silly, maybe I should just try things with Cassie, but there is something stopping me, something I can't make sense of. I know she is hot but I just don't find her attractive, I can't make sense of any of it. What the fuck is wrong with me?

_**Fourth Entry**_

Shit. So I finally put all my doubts behind me and went for it with Cassie. Our lips met and…. Nothing. I felt absolutely nothing. Again. I just wish once I would kiss a girl and I would feel fireworks or at least something and I'd spend the rest of the night fucking the absolute shit out of her. It's so fucking messed up but the only time I've ever felt something from a kiss was when I kissed Chris at his party for a dare. Chris is one of my best mates and I feel so fucking sick in the head but right then I would've taken him upstairs and fucked him. It must've been the alcohol giving that effect, I mean I don't fancy him or anything and the thought of being in a relationship with a guy makes me feel shit, it's got to be a girl. I'm not gay.


	2. Entries 5-7

_**This chapter includes the next 3 entries in the diary. Your reviews have meant a lot to me, so please keep them coming as they are one of the main reasons I am continuing the story. Thank you :) P.S. I am really sorry for the huge gap since the original chapter but i've had exams, i'm hoping to update more often now so follow the story if you want to keep up to date ^_^**_

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_**Fifth Entry**_

I've been really busy recently with dancing competitions and auditioning for local productions. I hate school, I wish I could just spend my whole life on stage, but unfortunately my dad thinks otherwise, he is making me go to sixth form to get A-levels before I go and work with him on the builders yard. I don't even want to go and work with him on the builders yard, but like mom says there is no harm in getting some qualifications. I don't know what A-levels to take, I mean Drama is a must but I don't know what else to choose, nothing else really interests me. I might just ask everyone else what they're thinking of taking and just tag along with them, I mean if I'm gonna do something I don't wanna do, it might be a bit more bearable if I do it with a few friends. Chris has already said he wants to do psychology, he never really said why but I guess it might be more interesting to do something new than doing a subject which I have already been doing for 5 years like Maths or some other shit like that.

_**Sixth Entry**_

Not much been going on recently, it's half term and even though I hate being in school it means I have fuck all to do except dancing at the community centre. There's a new guy Cody who came to the dancing class today, he seemed pretty cool, all the girls were over him like flies on shit. To be fair he's not a bad looking lad to be fair, fairly lean but toned, medium-long brown hair and he looked pretty damn hot in that tight white top he was wearing…. Or at least that's what the girls said. He was really friendly too but he seemed to ignore any advances the girls made, mind you looking like that he's probably got a girlfriend.

_**Seventh Entry**_

I'm absolutely knackered, just got back from dance and my legs are killing me so I've just started to run a bath to help soothe the pain a little, whilst I am waiting for it to fill up I'm just sitting here lying on my bed in my underwear updating this thing. There are rumours going round at dance class that Cody is bisexual, I doubt it though it's just the girls getting all upset just because he isn't interested in them. It turns out Cody actually lives really close to me, so he gave me his number and he is going to call for me on the way to dance. It's weird, when I'm with Cody, I feel kind of… inferior. I mean he is so fit and I'm just… not, I need to lose weight, I'm almost 9 stone now… I hate my body.


	3. Entries 8-10

_**Hi everyone, thanks for your continuted support and reviews, they mean a lot to me. I'd like to thank Something Fierce for their review, it was amazing to read such a nice review, and a lot of what you said influenced how I wrote these 3 entries, so I hope you approve. As usual please review if you have the time, it will mean tonnes to me. Thanks and hope you enjoy ^_^**_

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_**Eighth Entry**_

My phone hasn't stopped going off all day, Chris is having another house party in the next few weeks so we've been talking about that and generally catching up. It has been good to talk to Chris, it's weird, in school we are practically inseparable but during half-term we hardly ever meet up, it's been good today because we've been talking all day. Also Cody has been texting me non-stop ever since we exchanged numbers at dance, I think he is trying really hard to be friends with me because we're like the only guys in the entire dance class. I'm still not convinced that he is bisexual, although he did say I was 'cute' the other day, he is obviously lying but it's sweet of him anyway. Compliments like that from someone as hot as him are always really nice. Wait, did I just call Cody hot? That's OK right? It's not gay for 2 guys to complement each other like that? Arrgghh Fuck I don't even know.

_**Ninth Entry**_

Cassie has been trying to talk to me again recently; I've been trying to tell her that I'm not interested and that the kiss meant nothing but I just can't, she's genuinely such a nice girl but I just don't…. feel anything with her. I tried talking to Cody about it on the way home from dance today, but it didn't really help he just kept asking me all these weird questions, like if I had a girlfriend and if I ever had a girlfriend, turns out he doesn't have a girlfriend either. It doesn't make much sense, if he hasn't got a girlfriend then why is he ignoring advances from the girls at dance? They're practically begging for it. Maybe the girls were right, maybe he is bisexual and he is only interested in guys at the moment, or maybe he is just gay? Why do I even care? Anyway he has invited me round to his tomorrow so I can teach him some moves. Oh god what if he makes a move on me? What do I do? No, I'm straight and he is straight, what am I even worrying about?

_**Tenth Entry**_

Ahhh! I'm so fucked up! What the fuck is going on? First the whole shit with Cassie now this! So I went to Cody's today, we were showing each other some dance moves and everything was cool, then we just sat down on his bed and started talking about shit and basically I didn't really listen to half of what he was saying because all I could think was how much I wanted to kiss him and how fucked up that was. Why did I want to kiss Cody? Even more to the point, why did I want to kiss a guy? Maybe it's just Cody? Maybe I like girls and for some reason Cody… But what if that's not true, what if I'm gay? No, I'm not gay, I can't be…. I don't want to be.


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